April 24, 2011: Amputation

So as I said before, I will tell you a special story today. I will share it along side with some these movie screencap from the movie COURAGEOUS by the Kendrik Brothers.

I’ll give you a quick brief story (if you haven’t watched it sorry, it’s spoiler). So in this scene, Adam (the main character) just lost his daughter in car accident. He’s consulting with a pastor (the man with glasses), about how can he overcome the pain and grief.

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If you ever lost someone in your family, especially if it’s your parents or sibling, then you know, at the moment it happened, to be healed seems impossible.

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And you might also vent to the person who is trying to console you, such as saying “You don’t understand!”; “Healing? Time will heal? What kind of nonsense that is”.

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Takes one to know one.

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And you’re exactly right.

It was Easter Sunday, April 24th 2011, the day I got my amputation. The day (which at that time I consider) God took my mother from me and my family. I just thought that this family couldn’t get any more broken, yet God decided another thing… God destroyed it. It was not just broken at that evening, it was crushed… I feel like why hope vanish, like a vapor in the air.. puff and then gone. I felt my bone lost its strength. I sat down and tried to look for any life sign, any pulse on her hands or chest. I put my finger in front of her nose as if there will be another breath she would take. But no… it’s stopped. No more pulse or breath.

But I think, at that day, my Father was the one who got the biggest part amputation. He’s breathing and walking but I cannot see a life-sign in his eyes, it was like he lost his soul, like only his body there with no feeling or sense.

It was the day, me, my father, and my sister started to learn living with amputation.

It was the day, despite I believe or not the existence of heaven or hell, death is real and you can never fight with time. You can never beg time.

So I asked God: “Did you hear my prayer?” … of course You did, YOU ARE GOD!

“Then why you take my mom? Then why can’t you heal her?”

On the other hand I know that my mom believe in God, thus she will be in heaven with God, with no grief and pain she had while on earth. I want to believe it and grateful about it, because my mom is now saved with God in the most wonderful place in the universe. But I couldn’t accept the facts that she will not be here anymore, I will never be able to see her face or hear her voice again! I couldn’t accept the permanent separation!

That’s why I couldn’t accept God decision.

Actually it’s not just about the separation. About the time I waste, that I hadn’t been fully honored her, appreciate her, obey her… and on the highlight at the time, I HID A HUGE LIE to her, and all my family. I barely listen to her advice, because she kind of a strict mom and I was a rebel teen. I remember fighting with my mom, which I screamed so loud and banged my head to the wall. Well… I was such a crazy girl.. not something I’m proud of. But back then, that’s me. Instead of good memory, bad memory came up and intimidate me of how I was such a horrible daughter. I regretted every moment of my rebellion.

So what’s so big about this lie?! Well, for you who come from different culture background, you may think that this is not a big deal. My mom and dad forbid me from having boyfriend during high school. Why? You may ask. My mom and dad was teacher, and I could say that they were pretty good and strict teacher. They wanted me and my sister to focus studying, have good grades, and go to nice-high-rank college. Of course, nothing wrong with that, parents always wants the best for their children right? Right. My sister obeyed just find, no boyfriend during highschool. We have 4 years gap. But, I’m way too rebel to obey and I’m nothing like my sister. Even though I was a bit tomboy, I’m still a girl who could feel hormone rush in me. And I can’t hold it, so I just have secret boyfriend. Nobody knows, for almost half-year. I was 11 grade at senior highschool. I have to mention that my mom was also a teacher at my highschool…so yeah I can’t date at school. So I had to lie that we go to studygroup, or sport event, when actually I had date.

So what’s the big deal? I just lied about going to date. Like, I wasn’t the only one, bunch of other teenagers must have had lied to their parents about dating or anything. Everybody lies.

Just because everybody lies, doesn’t mean it is a right thing to do.

And when you do something wrong, you know your whole life is haunted. I was so afraid that my mom and dad would found out at angry at me. Too late, my grade had proven it. My grade fell down. I had high rank at school before, but months after dating my grade dropped. Not that low…but low enough to make my mom asked me what’s wrong with me.

Well, this is a loooong story, you may want to take time a bit, go to restroom, get some snack or something. (I might consider to write a book about this..haha)

Enjoy reading for another 30 minutes 😛

Nothing I could say…and, you know, mom instinct. “Are you dating someone?”

BANG! Bulls-eye! Right on target! She rendered me speechless. During this rebellion my mom was already sick, it was just not that bad yet. She diagnosed with cervix-cancer. Which make matters worse.

Sorry that I can’t tell you the whole story, about how bad I am. It’s not like something I could share publicly. But if you really want to know the whole story, you can email me 🙂

So I lied, until the day my mom passed away. And I remember the time when she said, “I’m so proud of you that you remain strong and take care of yourself, you never complain and you stay good at school. I’m so proud of you,”

Well, after I dropped my grades, I managed to fix it and got good grades again. But, that doesn’t change the facts that I disobeyed my mom by keep dating. And it’s not like I had beautiful-romantic relationship with my boyfriend. Dating while you’re not mature enough is horrible. (I’ll explain more about this some other time).

But when she said I’M PROUD OF YOU to me, I just felt I didn’t deserve it. I was such a bad daughter. I don’t deserve your appreciation mom. I lied, I lied to you and dad. I misused your trust.

And she died even before I can say sorry or what I’m sorry for. At the time, I can’t even tell my dad or my sister. None of them know of my lie, and I’m not so close with them either. I never tell personal matter to anyone in the family. Well, in fact, for this matter, I didn’t even tell my best friend.

So the only one I could go to is God.

Yes, unexpected. But I couldn’t think of someone else. That paradox feeling inside of me, the disappointment that I had for God but God is the only one I could tell everything. I can endure being alone. But at that time… I cannot. I felt like I just got amputation on my feet…and that depression time the moment you realize you cannot walk ‘normally’ anymore. (all due respect, I have no intention to offend disable people or those who actually go through amputation in real life)

And when you cannot walk, you need someone to hold you and help you to walk again.

Also, I think it’s not coincidence that the day my mom passed away was Easter, or i rather call it Passover (Paskah in bahasa). The day Jesus resurrected from the death and gave us eternal life.

That moment of my life was the beginning of this unending journey finding God, knowing God. That moment woke me up, if there’s God then God must have plan for this world, universe, after all God is the creator. So God must have plan for my life, I don’t want to take it as a joke or just knowledge. If there’s God who design, plan, and manage everything, I want to know and follow seriously! If there’s no God, why bother.

I don’t want to be someone who believe in God but ignoring God. It might as well not believing God. (I may have to emphasize on another writing about what does it mean to believe in God).

So, yeah… this day, I remember my mom. Well, everday I miss her. But, now I know that is not permanent separation, we’ll meet each other again in heaven. I would like to say to those who still have parent on your side, alive in this earth, treasure them, love them, obey and honor them!

I love my dad and my sister, and we’ve never been so close like now. Our family might not seem complete but it’s beautiful. I love them to pieces.

I’ll tell more in the next post about how the journey begin, and it still continue until today.

I’ll close with other movie screencap from COURAGEOUS.

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YESS! YES! YES! I’ve discovered a comfort and an intimacy and a joy with God, that I will never find at anyplace else in this world.

Find out more in my next post! ^^

God lead~

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From Bandung to Bali

There’s no growth in comfort zone.

The quote, I don’t really know from whom it came from, but I always have it inside my head. Always. Because each time I feel that my life is so flat, nothing happen, I check myself, am I in my comfort zone? Maybe that’s why I feel kind of flat, I’m in a status quo.

So, one day I woke up and knew that I have to do something about it. Some people just accept it, like “why bother”, “don’t make your life any harder”, “so what, we can still have fun”… Well, “just having fun” is not how I want to spent my life. I want to do something meaning full and find out the core purpose of my existence.

Many people guessed, maybe it’s a one night decision, a temporal emotion, when I suddenly I want to move to Bali and work there. No family there, only few people I know. Why Bali? A revelation came to me one night and I couldn’t stop thinking about it since. I’ve been living in Bandung for about 5 years, had my university study there and then worked for a year. A lot of things happened while I was studying, I’ve improved and I’ve changed so much! I love Bandung with a half of my heart (that’s a lot already). But the thing is, I love it so much, it had become my comfort zone. So comfortable in Bandung, family, best friends, and almost everything is there.

Life always has challenge for you, doesn’t mean there’s no challenge in Bandung. Of course there is. But I’ve prepared to face it, nothing big really. After graduation, I struggle a bit with working-pace life, but then I managed to adapt in three or four months. After that, day by day, I felt so flat. I don’t know if this happen to anyone. Maybe because I always thirst of blood (no I’m not a vampire)… I always thirst of adventure, something new, some challenges which will improve myself.

Not that I’m not thankful with my condition, I’m thankful for everything God allows me to experience, everything is great. But that’s the matter, when everything is great, I don’t want to just get drown in temporal happiness, knowing that I was mean to do something meaningful, purposeful, and great with God. And I get it that I won’t experience that in Bandung. So, I prayed for three months and decided to move to Bali.

I watched this video from Ted Ed. And, yeah, that’s another confirmation of why I have to do this. (watch here). Most of us, perhaps, avoid crisis, while we actually need it to improve our self.

Beware or be careful of what you wished for, because you might get it. Make sure that you really want it, the wish, make sure when it actually comes in front of your eyes, you don’t get shocked and regret, throw that away, or want to turn back. You can’t! There’s no turning back in this journey. I can still turn back to Bandung, but I can’t turn back time. I already made my choice, take my first step, nothing will be the same again.

A thousand miles journey, begin with the first step. I guess everyone ever heard about that quote. I want to add something to the quote:

“A thousand miles journey begins with the first step. But once the first step is taken, there’s no turning back. So make sure that you really want to finish this thousand miles journey, because you can neither go back nor stop in the middle”

Yap, I made quite a long quote.

Now, here I am, already a month in Bali, and I get what I wish. I expect an unexpected challenge and journey. And everything here, since the first day, is really unexpected! Shocked, confused, a bit down, but then I realize, this is what I wished for. I’m improving. Kind of weird, but I enjoy the kind experience I am in now. I want to tell about it in detail, but perhaps in my next post.

The highlight is, in the end it’s your choice—your FAITH, because it’s your journey. Other people come and go, they can tell you what they think, they can give you advice, but in the end who walk in it is yourself on your own. Other people can help, but only you can actually feel it, experience it. Other people might try to understand, but they will never entirely understand. They are kind, they want to help, and it’s good. But you also have to realize, this is your life, your journey, your decision, you have to be sure by yourself, have the conviction in your heart, not by other people conviction. You can’t live by other people’s faith, you live in your own FAITH. So have FAITH!

And that’s why you need God, because in this journey, only God can understand, only God knows where to go, what decision to take. Only God, who really walks with you, in you, through the whole way. Only God. So, above all else—problems, pressure, happiness, challenge, struggle, smile, tears—I’m so thankful that I have Jesus who walk with me, and I get to know Jesus even more. After all, this is not really my journey, this is God’s journey that’s given to me.

Adventure is out there!