Photoart#2 Gunung Payung Photo Session

Still at the same Place: Gunung Payung Beach

For you who are currently visiting Bali, this is a highly recommended place to visit. It was not so crowded, but recently there’s a resort development in the area so more people coming and I guess in few months ahead this place wouldn’t be as quite/peaceful as now. I like this beach because not so many people coming here. First, when I come here, the road was not so good…now it’s so smooth. And you have to come down the hill to reach the beach, and hike up when go back… pretty tiring but exciting, maybe that’s why some people hesitate to come–maybe those people who don’t like hiking.

I’ll give you the map screencap.. I was in the south-side of Bali. So you cannot get sunset view here.. but it is such a nice beach anyway.

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It’s close to Pandawa Beach (which moooree people go there..like a lot people there). Even though personally, I’ve never been to Pandawa Beach, but since my friend said that it was pretty crowded,  I don’t have any intention to visit it.

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Green bowl beach is pretty nice too but, it’s cliff-beach type (I don’t know the right term in english sorry..) so the beach is narrow, if it’s high-tide then you don’t have any sand left to have place to lay down. You know what I mean? So you have to check the tide before visit there.

So what I was doing there, was taking some nice photos and swiiiiiiiim (swimming is the main reason). I was not hoping for low tide since I didn’t check it, and it will be still nice anyway either low tide or high tide. Last time I come here it was high tide, the wave is pretty big but the current was not so strong. I was rainy season so the water was not so clear, but it’s pretty clean beach. It’s nice place to swim 🙂

Another reason is doing a jewelry photo-shoot for my friend. I still ask her permission to post the others photo, so I post this one with her face not so obvious and non-close-up look of the jewelry.

So Gunung Payung have this green-rock-wall (I don’t know how to call it) which is so beautiful, so can take a lot of picture here (seriously, if you are the kind of selfie-person then probably you will spent a lot of time here)… but you can also enjoy it with your eyes.

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No, she’s not selling it (if you ask me)…this is just for fun. Haha.. She just custom-made the necklace, I was interested, so we decided to make photo-shoot for this. Totally random-impulsive decision. It’s nice anyway. I like taking picture (of other people..haha no picture of me)

Now you get the kind of wall I mean.

Next… the sceneryyyyy~

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I took in when I still up on the hill… the beach is down there… still long way to go, but the blue already catch my breath away..

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Of course I swam for a while and forgot my camera (I mean I didn’t take any photos at all) until it was almost sunset…and you know what… GOLDEN HOURS!!! YEAY!!

So I take some picture, like that one above. As I said, you can’t get sunset view, but the light is great anyway… the yellow is precious!!

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This one I take when I were coming up again to go home… and the sun was already setting, it was already pretty dark but thank God I still got the beautiful cloud color!!

So, if you come to Bali, make sure to put this place on your schedule!

We can also travel there together. haha. Love it if I can have new friends!

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April 24, 2011: Amputation

So as I said before, I will tell you a special story today. I will share it along side with some these movie screencap from the movie COURAGEOUS by the Kendrik Brothers.

I’ll give you a quick brief story (if you haven’t watched it sorry, it’s spoiler). So in this scene, Adam (the main character) just lost his daughter in car accident. He’s consulting with a pastor (the man with glasses), about how can he overcome the pain and grief.

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If you ever lost someone in your family, especially if it’s your parents or sibling, then you know, at the moment it happened, to be healed seems impossible.

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And you might also vent to the person who is trying to console you, such as saying “You don’t understand!”; “Healing? Time will heal? What kind of nonsense that is”.

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Takes one to know one.

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And you’re exactly right.

It was Easter Sunday, April 24th 2011, the day I got my amputation. The day (which at that time I consider) God took my mother from me and my family. I just thought that this family couldn’t get any more broken, yet God decided another thing… God destroyed it. It was not just broken at that evening, it was crushed… I feel like why hope vanish, like a vapor in the air.. puff and then gone. I felt my bone lost its strength. I sat down and tried to look for any life sign, any pulse on her hands or chest. I put my finger in front of her nose as if there will be another breath she would take. But no… it’s stopped. No more pulse or breath.

But I think, at that day, my Father was the one who got the biggest part amputation. He’s breathing and walking but I cannot see a life-sign in his eyes, it was like he lost his soul, like only his body there with no feeling or sense.

It was the day, me, my father, and my sister started to learn living with amputation.

It was the day, despite I believe or not the existence of heaven or hell, death is real and you can never fight with time. You can never beg time.

So I asked God: “Did you hear my prayer?” … of course You did, YOU ARE GOD!

“Then why you take my mom? Then why can’t you heal her?”

On the other hand I know that my mom believe in God, thus she will be in heaven with God, with no grief and pain she had while on earth. I want to believe it and grateful about it, because my mom is now saved with God in the most wonderful place in the universe. But I couldn’t accept the facts that she will not be here anymore, I will never be able to see her face or hear her voice again! I couldn’t accept the permanent separation!

That’s why I couldn’t accept God decision.

Actually it’s not just about the separation. About the time I waste, that I hadn’t been fully honored her, appreciate her, obey her… and on the highlight at the time, I HID A HUGE LIE to her, and all my family. I barely listen to her advice, because she kind of a strict mom and I was a rebel teen. I remember fighting with my mom, which I screamed so loud and banged my head to the wall. Well… I was such a crazy girl.. not something I’m proud of. But back then, that’s me. Instead of good memory, bad memory came up and intimidate me of how I was such a horrible daughter. I regretted every moment of my rebellion.

So what’s so big about this lie?! Well, for you who come from different culture background, you may think that this is not a big deal. My mom and dad forbid me from having boyfriend during high school. Why? You may ask. My mom and dad was teacher, and I could say that they were pretty good and strict teacher. They wanted me and my sister to focus studying, have good grades, and go to nice-high-rank college. Of course, nothing wrong with that, parents always wants the best for their children right? Right. My sister obeyed just find, no boyfriend during highschool. We have 4 years gap. But, I’m way too rebel to obey and I’m nothing like my sister. Even though I was a bit tomboy, I’m still a girl who could feel hormone rush in me. And I can’t hold it, so I just have secret boyfriend. Nobody knows, for almost half-year. I was 11 grade at senior highschool. I have to mention that my mom was also a teacher at my highschool…so yeah I can’t date at school. So I had to lie that we go to studygroup, or sport event, when actually I had date.

So what’s the big deal? I just lied about going to date. Like, I wasn’t the only one, bunch of other teenagers must have had lied to their parents about dating or anything. Everybody lies.

Just because everybody lies, doesn’t mean it is a right thing to do.

And when you do something wrong, you know your whole life is haunted. I was so afraid that my mom and dad would found out at angry at me. Too late, my grade had proven it. My grade fell down. I had high rank at school before, but months after dating my grade dropped. Not that low…but low enough to make my mom asked me what’s wrong with me.

Well, this is a loooong story, you may want to take time a bit, go to restroom, get some snack or something. (I might consider to write a book about this..haha)

Enjoy reading for another 30 minutes 😛

Nothing I could say…and, you know, mom instinct. “Are you dating someone?”

BANG! Bulls-eye! Right on target! She rendered me speechless. During this rebellion my mom was already sick, it was just not that bad yet. She diagnosed with cervix-cancer. Which make matters worse.

Sorry that I can’t tell you the whole story, about how bad I am. It’s not like something I could share publicly. But if you really want to know the whole story, you can email me 🙂

So I lied, until the day my mom passed away. And I remember the time when she said, “I’m so proud of you that you remain strong and take care of yourself, you never complain and you stay good at school. I’m so proud of you,”

Well, after I dropped my grades, I managed to fix it and got good grades again. But, that doesn’t change the facts that I disobeyed my mom by keep dating. And it’s not like I had beautiful-romantic relationship with my boyfriend. Dating while you’re not mature enough is horrible. (I’ll explain more about this some other time).

But when she said I’M PROUD OF YOU to me, I just felt I didn’t deserve it. I was such a bad daughter. I don’t deserve your appreciation mom. I lied, I lied to you and dad. I misused your trust.

And she died even before I can say sorry or what I’m sorry for. At the time, I can’t even tell my dad or my sister. None of them know of my lie, and I’m not so close with them either. I never tell personal matter to anyone in the family. Well, in fact, for this matter, I didn’t even tell my best friend.

So the only one I could go to is God.

Yes, unexpected. But I couldn’t think of someone else. That paradox feeling inside of me, the disappointment that I had for God but God is the only one I could tell everything. I can endure being alone. But at that time… I cannot. I felt like I just got amputation on my feet…and that depression time the moment you realize you cannot walk ‘normally’ anymore. (all due respect, I have no intention to offend disable people or those who actually go through amputation in real life)

And when you cannot walk, you need someone to hold you and help you to walk again.

Also, I think it’s not coincidence that the day my mom passed away was Easter, or i rather call it Passover (Paskah in bahasa). The day Jesus resurrected from the death and gave us eternal life.

That moment of my life was the beginning of this unending journey finding God, knowing God. That moment woke me up, if there’s God then God must have plan for this world, universe, after all God is the creator. So God must have plan for my life, I don’t want to take it as a joke or just knowledge. If there’s God who design, plan, and manage everything, I want to know and follow seriously! If there’s no God, why bother.

I don’t want to be someone who believe in God but ignoring God. It might as well not believing God. (I may have to emphasize on another writing about what does it mean to believe in God).

So, yeah… this day, I remember my mom. Well, everday I miss her. But, now I know that is not permanent separation, we’ll meet each other again in heaven. I would like to say to those who still have parent on your side, alive in this earth, treasure them, love them, obey and honor them!

I love my dad and my sister, and we’ve never been so close like now. Our family might not seem complete but it’s beautiful. I love them to pieces.

I’ll tell more in the next post about how the journey begin, and it still continue until today.

I’ll close with other movie screencap from COURAGEOUS.

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YESS! YES! YES! I’ve discovered a comfort and an intimacy and a joy with God, that I will never find at anyplace else in this world.

Find out more in my next post! ^^

God lead~

Coming Soon

So, it’s been five months since my last writing…

Yeah… I know, (who read them anyway) …well that’s not the point, I really want to share my thoughts but I have this confidence crisis; questions like..

“who will read it?”

“are you sure you are that good at writing?”

“why bother? does it really help?”

“why use english? you’re not native?”

“use bahasa? you know people around you might read it right?”

…and a lot others that keep me from posting.

I did write, in my books (yes! I really like manual writing!! You know when the emotion flows in your writing which then expressed in your hand-writing), and I even recorded some ideas in my phone. But I end up just saving it for my self.

I used to write publicly (not a lot) and gained some confidence.. until busy work-hour come and I need to stop looking at my screen, my eyes got dizzy, and I fight losing-battle with laziness (Actually maybe this is the main reason) and I always have so many reasons I tell to myself of why I “don’t have time to write” (yeah right…)

corner of my work space (so you know how busy i am…haha–kidding)

BUT NOT ANYMORE!! NOPE!! I will keep my self accountable, to you all.. doesn’t matter who read this (Even if none).. I will write.

If you write it, it last!

(I don’t know who said that or from whom I heard it, but I do believe in that statement!)

I WILL WIN AGAINST MY REASONS AND LAZINESS… SO I WILL WRITE DAILY!

Doesn’t matter what, even if it’s only two or three sentences.

Doesn’t matter if there’s any person in this world who read it or not (Even though I do want some one to read, because I like to share a lot of thoughts with people around the world)

So the main reason why I want to write so much is because… actually, I like to share story.. I like storytelling. I want to be a great storyteller whose story can change people life, can lead people to the right path, can open people eyes of the right way.

Either through writing or drawing/picture or even both.

And so far… I’m just daydreaming about it. (Having telling myself you have no time because you busy with works and everything else) NOT ANYMORE!

IT HAS TO START NOW! AND I HAVE TO MAKE IT COME TRUE! AND I WILL FINISH IT WELL.. YES!

So where to begin?

First, I’ve read my previous writing and I still have some unanswered question, like:

  1. Why would you go far and have adventure that risk your life? (I feel the need to explain this!)
  2. About “The True Me”

So I’ll begin with answering that in my next writing.

And for today, I’ll have special story. It’s very special day today (spoiler: no, it’s not my birthday)

So I’ll share some story, later..to day.

Ah.. and one more thing, I will also share my photos and drawing collections.

The things is.. I have problem of “dreaming” a lot.. but bad at executing it (by not executing it at all)–(some says problems of INFP-T …anyways~)

I will make it come true! By the permission of God…so God help me to make it come true! Yes!

A Strange Island: The Beginning

No, I wasn’t going to an unknown island without any civilians. I just moved to Bali and it’s exactly beside my home island, Java. So, actually it’s not far. Well, 813km to be exact. But I’m still in Indonesia. So why is it a big thing?

Well, a lot of different culture in the world. And this is a few part of my culture, as a woman, well unmarried woman, who also the last child in the family (so my father still consider me as a kid), going far from home it’s like sending your child to a war. A bit exhilarated, I think. Sorry. But, you get the point. The closer you are with your family the better, geographically. Even if I’m allowed to stay in far away town, there must be family there, either my aunts or some of my father friends, people that we consider family.

Why would you bother to go far and have adventure that risks your life? I’ll answer that later.

That’s why, when I met some people here, they were also shock. With whom do you live? Alone? What? Why? Why did you move from Java alone? Do you have family here? Boyfriend? No? How can you survive alone?

Well, it might surprise you, but yeah, I survive so far and I will survive. I mean, why does it sound so impossible? It’s not! And I’m also glad that I met some other people who also agree with me. Have the same calling, going far out of your home-island, out of your comfort zone to develop yourself becoming the true you. True me? What it’s that? I’ll tell you later. Now, I will tell you about the experience I have in Bali, during my first month.

I arrived in Denpasar, Bali on 30th of August 2016. I stayed with my friends first. I hadn’t got any job, or actually I was in the process to get a paid job, but I must go through a-month trial. I would start at 4th September, Monday, so I had a lot of time on the weekend to have some fun. At first, it still felt like a holiday. Of course I had to look for a place to stay, like a home stay (we call it Kos-kosan in bahasa). I met nice people from the office that I’d be working in. They let me stay with them. Because I hadn’t got any money to buy furniture and to rent a room with furniture in it was too expensive for me.

Adventure number 1. Financial. Yap, I was struggling a bit financially. I had money in my saving but, I don’t want to spend it just for a lux place to stay. As long as I have bed to sleep, it’s fine. Bed is all I need.

It began to feel strange when I have to separate with my friend; she lives in Denpasar, 45-60 minutes away from where I live. And at that time I didn’t have my motorbike yet, so it was hard for me to come and see her. Anyway, I’m open to get new friends. So, first I thought I was no problem. Not yet.

Adventure number 2. Workplace. I was in a foundation (don’t want to mentions its name), let’s call it Flower Foundation (fake name). It’s doing noble job, in my opinion, that’s my I decided to apply there and thought it was okay for me to be a volunteer first before I’m actually working; because what they are doing is good anyway. I love to help.

If only I could keep that in my mind during all that I have to go through. Despite that it’s doing great things—noble things like helping people and all—it was not a nice and healthy environment to work in. People talk bad about each other behind each other, mostly about these two particular individuals. Even though most of them are facts—because I actually saw bad stuff—but still, just talk about it without solution is not right. Then, people meet each other smiling, like everything is fine. Everyone is hypocrite. Even I did become a hypocrite, because I couldn’t say a thing!

That’s why I felt so strange and most of all, lonely. I hate myself for not being myself; don’t know how to place myself in this kind of environment. My whole expectation about the Flower Foundation broke down to pieces, it’s not like how I read and imagine about it. It all happened in the first week, I already want to quit. But then I thought that maybe I just need to adapt and place myself. IT IS a totally different environment and culture, maybe that’s why I was shocked. Being among foreigners and Balinese, different way of communication and character of the people. Most of the time I don’t even know what to say, not because of the language, but how am I suppose to be like when I talk with them.

Because the way I be myself here, not really fitting. I like differences. But, I don’t know…maybe it’s just my mindset because this is a different place so it must be different way of communicating. Maybe yes, but maybe not. Nobody to talk to. You know that it’s more pathetic that you feel lonely not when you’re alone but when you are in a crowded place with everybody you actually know. Yeah, I felt that at first.

Until I decided to not let my feeling control me. Not my feeling, not the situation, let’s make it right! I start to think again of why I decided to come to Bali. Adventure! Which means not a comfort zone! Struggle! Problem! Adversities! That’s what I am looking for, oh what a crazy girl I am. Why would I ever ask for that stuff?! As the matter of fact, I did. I did ask for that. Because I want to improve. Diamond only become a diamond after go through “high-pressure” process. I want to become the diamond of myself. So this pressure—problem and all—is the process I have to go through. All I need is to be positive, state my mind, keep in faith, be strong, and have the right respond!

So then, I’m trying to do as good as I’m able at work. Try to avoid, as much as possible any negative conversation that occurred (this was kind of hard actually, the best that could happen if I end up as listener, but that also barely happen). I also talked. I hated myself for that. Well, until I get close with some people and finally figure out few that also have the same feeling as I do. We hate talking about bad-office stuff, let’s stop. Finally, with these pals I hang out most.

But that didn’t heal the loneliness I felt. Still deep inside, I’m so lonely. And then I realize why. The root of the problem is I was getting further from God. I’m to focus on my problem and pity-partying myself, rather than pray and worship God, focus on what is God’s will though this experiences.

After all, the closest family, friend, soulmate, of all, is Jesus. He is the one who know me and love me the most. Why would I look anywhere else when I have Jesus inside?

Strange land, full of distraction. Strange land for me. Strange strange strange land. Beautiful but strange.

But, God is the one who called me here. And I’m joyful to do so. Only, I forgot for a moment, that if God call me here then I have to walk through all with God. Not walking by my own thought and feeling, that’s why it didn’t work at first. Now, that I realize my mistake. I want to take the right step. It’s just the beginning, the first months I was like a baby learning to walk for the first time. Stumble and fall a lot. I have to remember that I have Jesus who always and will always hold my hands through it all. So I won’t stumble and fall anymore.

The beginning was rough. I ended up quit from the Flower Foundation. Why? A lot of reasons. But at least I had the chance to say few of my reason. I didn’t turn out quite well. You know, most of the times honesty can hurt. Some people can accept it, some others cannot. And when I did say what I think was wrong, it’s not accepted. And that’s the end of it. But thanks God, God who never leave me. I got another job, better job, a week after that.

It’s getting better. I learn how to take the right step on the right path. I love how God brought me thought everything, at the moment it happened; it didn’t look beautiful at all. But after I think about it over and over, now I learned a lot. A LOT. Not only about professionalism—work, office, and all—but most importantly about Jesus, how I live in His way. To become the true me He wants to be.

From Bandung to Bali

There’s no growth in comfort zone.

The quote, I don’t really know from whom it came from, but I always have it inside my head. Always. Because each time I feel that my life is so flat, nothing happen, I check myself, am I in my comfort zone? Maybe that’s why I feel kind of flat, I’m in a status quo.

So, one day I woke up and knew that I have to do something about it. Some people just accept it, like “why bother”, “don’t make your life any harder”, “so what, we can still have fun”… Well, “just having fun” is not how I want to spent my life. I want to do something meaning full and find out the core purpose of my existence.

Many people guessed, maybe it’s a one night decision, a temporal emotion, when I suddenly I want to move to Bali and work there. No family there, only few people I know. Why Bali? A revelation came to me one night and I couldn’t stop thinking about it since. I’ve been living in Bandung for about 5 years, had my university study there and then worked for a year. A lot of things happened while I was studying, I’ve improved and I’ve changed so much! I love Bandung with a half of my heart (that’s a lot already). But the thing is, I love it so much, it had become my comfort zone. So comfortable in Bandung, family, best friends, and almost everything is there.

Life always has challenge for you, doesn’t mean there’s no challenge in Bandung. Of course there is. But I’ve prepared to face it, nothing big really. After graduation, I struggle a bit with working-pace life, but then I managed to adapt in three or four months. After that, day by day, I felt so flat. I don’t know if this happen to anyone. Maybe because I always thirst of blood (no I’m not a vampire)… I always thirst of adventure, something new, some challenges which will improve myself.

Not that I’m not thankful with my condition, I’m thankful for everything God allows me to experience, everything is great. But that’s the matter, when everything is great, I don’t want to just get drown in temporal happiness, knowing that I was mean to do something meaningful, purposeful, and great with God. And I get it that I won’t experience that in Bandung. So, I prayed for three months and decided to move to Bali.

I watched this video from Ted Ed. And, yeah, that’s another confirmation of why I have to do this. (watch here). Most of us, perhaps, avoid crisis, while we actually need it to improve our self.

Beware or be careful of what you wished for, because you might get it. Make sure that you really want it, the wish, make sure when it actually comes in front of your eyes, you don’t get shocked and regret, throw that away, or want to turn back. You can’t! There’s no turning back in this journey. I can still turn back to Bandung, but I can’t turn back time. I already made my choice, take my first step, nothing will be the same again.

A thousand miles journey, begin with the first step. I guess everyone ever heard about that quote. I want to add something to the quote:

“A thousand miles journey begins with the first step. But once the first step is taken, there’s no turning back. So make sure that you really want to finish this thousand miles journey, because you can neither go back nor stop in the middle”

Yap, I made quite a long quote.

Now, here I am, already a month in Bali, and I get what I wish. I expect an unexpected challenge and journey. And everything here, since the first day, is really unexpected! Shocked, confused, a bit down, but then I realize, this is what I wished for. I’m improving. Kind of weird, but I enjoy the kind experience I am in now. I want to tell about it in detail, but perhaps in my next post.

The highlight is, in the end it’s your choice—your FAITH, because it’s your journey. Other people come and go, they can tell you what they think, they can give you advice, but in the end who walk in it is yourself on your own. Other people can help, but only you can actually feel it, experience it. Other people might try to understand, but they will never entirely understand. They are kind, they want to help, and it’s good. But you also have to realize, this is your life, your journey, your decision, you have to be sure by yourself, have the conviction in your heart, not by other people conviction. You can’t live by other people’s faith, you live in your own FAITH. So have FAITH!

And that’s why you need God, because in this journey, only God can understand, only God knows where to go, what decision to take. Only God, who really walks with you, in you, through the whole way. Only God. So, above all else—problems, pressure, happiness, challenge, struggle, smile, tears—I’m so thankful that I have Jesus who walk with me, and I get to know Jesus even more. After all, this is not really my journey, this is God’s journey that’s given to me.

Adventure is out there!

Back to writing habit

Writing is like painting with words, visualized your voice.. the voice inside your head, the voice inside your heart.

If I waited till I felt like writing, I’d never write at all (Anna Tyler)

There’re some words people want to read that hasn’t been written, some story people might want to know that hasn’t been told.

So here I am, write the word and tell the story..hoping that they might help a lot of people know about LIFE…a true LIFE.